


Memories All Too Sweet

by Tuftsie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Marauders, Memories, Nor is Sirius, Remus is not having a good Valentines, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, Valentine's Day, a tiny bit of fluff followed by a ton of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 06:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17740601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuftsie/pseuds/Tuftsie
Summary: The first Valentine's Day after the horrific attack on the Potters rolls around, and Remus is stuck facing memories he wishes desperately to forget. But pain demands to be felt, and sometimes it's the only way to heal.





	Memories All Too Sweet

The months seemed to blur as they passed him by, the dates getting jumbled in his mind as he tried to forget them. Christmas was the hardest, suddenly faced with a date that for so long had been filled with love and laughter, now turned cold and empty. He only managed to get through it by ignoring it as best he could, locking himself up in the tiny apartment that he had rented for himself, unable to face the memories of the home they had made together. He did his best to numb the feelings, drowning them in work (that seemed to come by less and less) and when that wasn’t enough he would just run, flat-out sprints that seemed as therapeutic to the human as it was to his wolf. He would push himself as far as he could and then further, until all he could focus on was the burning of his legs and the shortness of breath as his lungs ached for air. The thoughts of what had happened were shoved aside, deep down where they couldn’t be found, though they fought him at every step. 

The only time he ever truly felt the emotions were when the full moon hung in the sky, the wolf within him howling with the rage and pain tearing themselves up from where he had buried them deep within him. With each transformation came countless cuts and scars, his wolf seemingly unable to handle the sheer agony and without a proper target it turned its attacks inward, desperately trying to free the agony from beneath his skin. It probably shouldn’t have worried him how little he cared, the physical pain a weak distraction from the tempest of emotions that plagued him constantly. He spent his time at home, avoiding a world busy celebrating the exact moment his life crumbled to pieces. 

He didn’t realize the time of year until the day was already upon him, only noticing the explosion of reds and pinks that covered the streets and shops of the Muggle neighborhood he lived in on one of his rare shopping trips. As he pays for enough food to last a few months if he’s lucky, his eyes catch on the hearts strung in the windows, the boxes of candies screaming out their intentions in heart shaped boxes. His stomach twists as he realizes what they must mean, he had been so relieved to have survived Christmas that he had forgotten which holiday came next. Pulling the bags of groceries to him, he turns to leave as quickly as he can, unable to face the memories that pull at his mind with each reminder of the date.

Just before he can make it to the door, his gaze catches again on the flowers. He approaches the stand, ignoring the bright pink and crimson red blooms that nearly burst with their promises of love and passion. Instead he lifts a small bouquet, barely noticeable among the larger gatherings, but with a beauty that outshined the roses that surrounded them. Flowers the color of a burnt sunset, nearly glowing with their hue, a perfect match to Lily’s hair. He laughs as he realizes they are lilies themselves, tears streaking down his cheeks as he holds them close to his chest. Memories wash over him before he can help it, and even as he tries to fight it he is pulled into the past.

\---

“What is it Prongs? Couldn’t you see I was busy?!” Even Remus could tell his protests were half-hearted as James pulls him into the empty classroom, but he felt that he had to try after being abducted from the common room. In truth the book he had been trying to read was dull as hell, but he wouldn’t want to tip James off that he basically did him a favor by pulling him away. He glared at his friend, dusting off imaginary dust as he sits on one of the desks.

James merely grins, used to this reaction after the six years they had known each other. He walked to the desk nearest him, pulling out something that was quickly hidden behind his back. He walks towards Remus, stopping in front of him before dramatically revealing what he held. Remus raises an eyebrow, eyeing the bouquet of lilies in front of him with suspicion. 

“As much as I appreciate the gesture, I’m afraid to say that while I do love you James, my heart belongs to another.” James laughs at that, lowering the bouquet, revealing dark brown eyes shining with mirth. He gestures to the flowers in his hands, a collection of pale orange lilies that droop sadly in his grip.

“Shove off you prick. I need your help with these for Lily. I wanted them to be the same color as her hair, but all I could find was this sad lot. You’re the best person I know at Charms besides her, and I can’t exactly go to her for this. I tried it myself but it just didn’t come out right. Please help me.” He pushes some hair out of his eyes, ignoring when it fell right back, too busy turning a pleading expression towards his friend. Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the sappiness, ignoring the warm feeling in his chest at the gesture. 

“And who’s to say I should help you? Badgering that poor girl with flowers now, have you no shame James Potter?” He laces the words with false disapproval. He knew that now at least Lily didn’t see it as badgering any more than James did, but he couldn’t help but tease the man. James sighs deeply, dramatically falling to his knees in front of him, hands nearly crushing the flowers as they clasp together. 

“Please, please Remus?! I’ll do anything… I’ll even buy that chocolate that you like, the super spicy one even if I think you’re mental for liking spicy chocolate. This will be the most important moment of my life, and you are the only one who can help me.” He stares up at him with desperate eyes, though a smile threatens to split across his face. “Help me Moony-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.” 

Remus shakes his head, smiling despite himself as he pulls James up off the floor.

“I never should have let you watch Star Wars, I knew it would come back to haunt me.” It was always an entertaining experiencing taking his pureblood friends to the Muggle cinema, their latest venture filling James’ mind with thrilling space battles and magic that was so unlike the kind he had grown up with. He holds out a hand for the flowers, inspecting the sad blooms as he tried to figure out which spell would work best. James watches eagerly as he pulls out his wand, waving it absentmindedly as he finishes his plans for the bouquet.

First he returned the lilies to a state of full blooming, the stalks straightening from their slouched positions and blooms turning upwards, petals full and lush. He then deepens their color, until they are a deep orange shade, the color of the sunset just as the sun touches down. To add to the effect he adds a few more leaves, making them as rich a green as Lily’s eyes, though making sure it didn’t overtake the orange. Finally he placed a stasis charm, ensuring that they would stay just as lovely until the time it was removed. Turning to James, he presented the final result, a bouquet worthy of even Lily Evans. James takes them, hands uncharacteristically gentle so as not to harm the fragile stems. He looks back up at Remus, face filled with a mixture of happiness and excitement.

“Thanks Moony! You are one of the best mates a man can ask for!” He pulls Remus in for a quick hug, careful to keep the flowers at a safe distance, before pulling back and rushing out of the room, keen on giving them to Lily as soon as possible. His goodbye lingered behind him, leaving Remus to lean back on the desk as he smiled at his friends happiness.

\---

He pulls himself back to the present, lilies in hand as a sad smile steals across his face. Lily had been charmed beyond measure by the gift, he remembered her wearing at least one of the flowers in her hair for months after she had gotten them. He remembers how she had found him in the common room that night, holding the bouquet close to her chest as she thanked him for his help in making them so lovely. He had tried to plead ignorance, but she had simply rolled her eyes, kissing him on the cheek before leaving for her room. That had been the year where she and James had finally gotten together, their happiness seeming to fill every room they were in. He wipes the tears from his eyes, noticing the odd looks he was getting from those around him, before walking back to the checkout and buying the bouquet. The lilies seeming to glow even without magic to help them, and he carries them close to his heart as he makes his way home. 

Once inside the shabby apartment, he wastes no time in setting the flowers in stasis, placing them in the one vase he owned and setting them on the windowsill in the living room. He goes about putting away the rest of the groceries, though his gaze constantly drifts back to the lilies, the only bright color in the whole area. Looking at them sparks a weird mix of love and pain within him, growing stronger and stronger until finally, as he finishes putting everything away, he cannot take it anymore. Striding over to the cabinet in the corner, he pulls out a bottle of whiskey, half empty but enough to numb him for a while. He pours several fingers into a glass, fingers nearly white as they grip the neck of the bottle. He carries both over to the single armchair, sinking down into it as he raises the glass to his lips. The first sip burns through him, though it’s muted against the pain in his chest, and the feeling causes another memory to crawl up, as though sensing the weakness in his walls. He knows it’s pointless to fight it now, simply sinking back into the chair as he remembers.   
\---

“Remus?” The name is a whisper as Peter appears in the doorway, his face shocked at the sight of Remus drinking from a heavy bottle. The fourth year had only ever had butterbeer, and it seemed to unsettle him how easily his friend could swallow the firewhiskey in his hand. Remus ignored him, taking another pull from the nearly empty bottle. His limbs were heavy, mind numbing as he drank. Part of him hoped he would never come back from the darkness that threatened his consciousness, but he pushed the thoughts away, focusing instead on the pale face that filled his vision. 

“What are you… Remus? Why are y-you doing this?” His voice was soft, but filled with a storm of emotions so strong it nearly made Remus cry. He lowered the bottle, setting it on the table beside him. The common room was empty, most of the students gone on break for the winter, with only himself, Peter and Sirius left in the dorms. James had offered to let them come home with him, but they had all had their reasons to stay. 

Now Peter sat next to him, looking him over fully, likely seeing now the deep shadows under his eyes and the tension that locked his muscles tightly. He waited for Remus to answer, his pale blue eyes serious in a way Remus had never seen before. He inhaled deeply, trying to think through the fog that already clouded his mind. 

“You know what tonight is, right?” He waits for the other boy to nod before continuing, voice low and ringing with agony. “I just can’t handle it anymore Peter. The sheer pain that comes with it, and the worry that something might happen while I’m… it. I just can’t seem to deal with it. I was losing my mind with each new moon, and then I realized that I could numb it, if only for a while.” Tears fell from his eyes as he spoke, his limbs aching with the memories of transforming. Peter hesitated for a moment, before placing a hand on his, offering comfort as best he could. They sat in silence for a time, before Peter spoke, words coming slowly but with a certainty he rarely heard.

“My dad does the same thing.” Remus’ eyes shot up, meeting his friend’s nervous gaze even as he continues speaking. “When my… my mom died, things were really bad. My dad, he fell apart almost completely. It was like he just couldn’t handle it anymore. He decided that instead of dealing with it he would just… numb the feelings. He would drink and drink until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. After a while I forgot what he was like before he was drunk all the time.” He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts as he looked away from Remus.

“The thing was… it didn’t help. He would just drink for hours, for days sometimes, but no matter how long he did it the feelings always came back. He wasn’t dealing with them, just pushing them further and further down as he tried to avoid them, and they slowly ate away at who he was. Now I’m not sure he knows who he is anymore, beyond the pain.” He glanced back up at his friend, pain shining in his eyes. “I know it’s not the same thing, that what you’re dealing with is a lot different than that. But I don’t think that numbing it is going to help you at all. Especially since it’s going to be a part of you for a long time. Pain demands to be felt, and ignoring it is rarely a good idea.” He gestured towards the bottle, the dark liquid glinting in the firelight, his grip on Remus’ hand tightening as he stared at it.

“This… this is just a temporary solution Remus. It might help you now, but it’s not going to last forever. And maybe you don’t care about that, but you need to know something.” He stared at Remus again, gaze determined and filled with a courage so unlike himself. “We, the Marauders, are going to be here for you no matter what. We will help you in any way we can, especially with this. We love you Remus, I can say for certain that you are one of the best friends I have ever had, and no matter what we will always have your back.” Remus can feel tears forming in his eyes as he stared at Peter, unable to speak in the face of his friend’s love and support. He bowed his head, not fighting it as Peter pulled him into a tight hug, hands coming up to grip at his sweater. For a time they simply sit there, tears soaking into Peter’s robes as he whispered soft comforts and words of support. The clock chimed the hour, and Remus pulled back, wiping his face with his sleeve. 

“I h-had better go. Madame Pomfrey is going to be waiting for me.” He stood on shaky legs, straightening out his robes before heading to the opening of the room. As the portrait swung open, he glanced back at his friend on the couch, a small smile stretching across his face.

“Peter?” He waited for Peter to meet his eyes. “I love you too.” Peter smiled brightly, though he seemed slightly distracted, an expression similar to that when James had an idea. He paid it no mind, simply smiling back, before walking out of the room to head to the infirmary. It wouldn’t be the last time he cried, but it was the first time that doing so had left him feeling lighter than before. 

He had cried even harder when, months after their talk in the common room, Peter had lead him to a clearing in the Forbidden Forest where James and Sirius waited, revealing what they had done to ensure he would never be alone during a full moon again. 

\---

He blinks away the last moments that flash before his eyes, downing half the glass as he tries to forget Peter’s pleased grin as he turned into Wormtail for the first time. Peter had seemed to suffer the most as the war grew more prevalent in their lives, withdrawing to the point where Remus wondered if he had suspected what was going to happen. If only he had shared any suspicions, maybe then James and Lily would still be here, maybe Siri-

He cuts off the thought before it forms, unable to shake the visions of steel grey eyes and sharp smiles that fill his mind. He tries to distract his thoughts, but they seem stuck upon the one person he doesn’t want to think about. He finds himself turning towards the bedroom, unable to stop himself as he opens the door. Walking over to the dresser, he opens the top drawer, filled with socks and other such things. At the back he finds the small box, though he doesn’t open it. A cliched place to put such a thing, but he couldn’t bring himself to throw it away, no matter how much he was hurt by its intended recipient. He brings the box back to the living room, sitting down with a heaviness that makes the chair groan in complaint. He doesn’t hear it, instead draining the glass and filling it again, staring at the box the whole time. He still remembers the day he had bought it, bringing with him the one person he knew could help him with such a task. His mind pulls him under once more, though the memory wasn’t even a year old. Tears slide down his cheeks, as he drifts into one of the happier days during the war.

\---

They had gone through several stores worth of choices at that point, and Remus might have been starting to freak out. He would have denied it had it been anyone else, but if there was one person who could always see through him, it was Lily Potter. Face glowing with excitement despite the exhaustion that came from new motherhood, she walked with him arm in arm as they strolled through the streets of Muggle London. She laughed at the panic on his face, patting him on the shoulder as they walked towards their next target.

“Honestly Remus, you’re worrying more than James did when Harry was born. If we don’t find anything today, we can simply go looking again some other time.” Her words helped to sooth him slightly, but the effect was somewhat dampened as the light caught on her own wedding ring, shining brightly as though to taunt him in his failure. He smiled, or tried to, though judging by her face he didn’t succeed. He sighed softly, tugging her to go faster towards the shop.

“I know Lily, it’s just… I don’t know, what if not finding one that’s right means that it isn’t meant to happen? What if the universe is trying to tell me something? That this isn’t the right thing to do?” He would have spoken more but he is stopped as Lily smacked his arm, frowning with displeasure as she pulled him to a stop. Her voice was sharp as she spoke, edged with the famous temper that had scared many a person who had dared cross her.

“Remus John Lupin, you have loved that ridiculous man for as long as I’ve known you. The way the both of you stare at each other is nearly sickening in how sweet it is, which is saying something considering how besotted James and I are all the time. The only thing I could see going even slightly wrong in proposing to him is that he gets annoyed that he didn’t propose to you first.” She calmed slightly, her eyes softening as she took in the worry that seemed to pour off of him. She placed a hand on his cheek, bringing his eyes up to meet hers as she continued. “What you and Sirius have is something that many can only dream of having, and I know that you have been dreaming of marrying him since the day you two met. So we are going to find a ring that is worthy of him if we have to search every bloody shop in this godforsaken city.” He laughed at that, shoulders relaxing slightly from their tense hold. She grinned up at him, pulling him along with her with renewed vigor. 

It was at that very shop that they had found it, tucked into the back corner of the last display case. The instant he lay eyes on it he knew it was the one, only further proved with he found it was the perfect size. Lily had said nothing, only smiled with a smugness that he knew she deserved. Once the ring was safely tucked away, hidden in a secret compartment of his desk, they had found their way to the Potter’s residence. He had laughed with James and Lily as Harry bounced on his knees, and for the first time he realized that he was truly, irrevocably happy. He didn’t know when the question would be asked, but now he would be ready, for when the perfect moment arrived. For the time being, he simply sat down to dinner with his friends, and enjoyed the evening. 

\---

He opens his eyes to find that sometime during the memory his hands had opened the box, revealing what it held. The moment his eyes fell on the ring inside his mental walls crumbled completely, mind filling with a barrage of images and sounds. The ring itself is not terribly remarkable, no precious gems or fancy details, but the silver was a perfect match to Sirius’ eyes and he knew it was the one. Now the shine of the metal seemed to cut into him, further weakening his resolve against the memories that demand to be seen.

He falls out of the chair to his knees, eyes unable to see the glass breaking on the floor, too focused on remembering steely eyes that shone with emotions, always revealing the thoughts of the owner (or so he had thought, but he had been wrong, so wrong), the dark hair he had loved to run his fingers through, a quick smile that was almost sharp at times (so good at hiding the truth, so distracting from the sharp teeth that lay below the surface). He cries out at the strength of the memories, seeing clumsy kisses and gentle touches, sharp words and furious fights, though they would always end in whispered apologies and soft embraces. They only brought him pain now, all those years of what he had thought was love, leading to the worst kind of betrayal. Clenching his eyes shut, he holds his head in his hands as he sobs, open and broken. Unlike the rest, this memory held only pain for him, and he is helpless as it takes over his mind.

\---

The morning light shone into their bedroom, catching on the various shiny objects that were scattered around the room. Remus woke to fingers running through his hair, Sirius pressing gentle kisses to every patch of skin he could reach without moving. He sighed happily as he tilted his head to give his partner more space to work with, running his own hands over the planes of his back. He opened his eyes to the sight of his partner, nearly glowing in the early light. He shivered as the blanket shifted, subjecting his legs to the chill that seemed to overtake every heating charm they cast. Huddling closer to the warm chest in front of him, he laughed as Sirius took his movement as an invitation to roll them over, him ending up on his back looking up at his boyfriend who seemed far too pleased with himself. He raised an eyebrow, trying to look like the move hadn’t taken him completely by surprise.

“Can I help you?” The question only caused Sirius’ grin to widen, eyes sparkling as he gazed at the man beneath him. He raised one hand to the others cheek, softly tracing one of the many scars that littered his face.

“Hmm, I’m sure you can.” He whispered, leaning his face closer to Remus before softly bringing their lips together. For a time they simply kissed, comfortable with each other after years of being together, traces paths on each others bodies that they had tracked countless times before. Remus hummed softly as the kiss deepened, wrapping his arms around the other’s neck to pull him even closer. 

He loved mornings like this one, where there was quiet that came from peace, not from the fear that lingered with each moment of the war. Things were far from perfect, but for right now he simply focused on the feeling of being alive and particularly, being in bed with the man he loved. He pulled back from the kiss, smirking at the slight pout that formed as a result. He nuzzled at Sirius’ neck, before meeting the other’s gaze.

“We do have to get up, you know. Lily would never forgive us if we were late.” Sirius groaned, but agreed, pushing himself off of Remus and standing up from the bed. Remus appreciated the view, watching as Sirius disappeared into the bathroom, before rolling out of bed himself. He slipped on a shirt and some slippers, before joining Sirius in the bathroom for their morning routines. They walked together to the kitchen, pulling out everything they needed to make breakfast. 

“So what has our lovely godson decided on this year? I understand that he chose his own costume out and everything.” Sirius said, cracking eggs into the pan. They both preferred the Muggle way of cooking, Remus because it reminded him of his mother, Sirius for the same reason, though more because Walburga would blow a gasket to see her son cooking. There was also a therapeutic quality to making their food by hand, so now it was how they did everything in the kitchen. Remus chuckled as he cut up the vegetables. 

“You know as well as I do that it’s a secret. We will find out once we actually go over there and see him. James says he is very proud of himself, and so we wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.” Sirius hummed, managing to convey both being pleased at his godson’s dramatics and being annoyed that he would have to wait. Remus moved to slide the diced vegetables into the pan, passing a hand across Sirius’ shoulders on his way back to the counter. Placing the cutting board into the sink, he walked back over to the stove and wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist. His partner sank back into his hold, pressing one hand over the arms holding him while the other flipped the omelette. 

“You’ll find out soon enough Pads. And then you and Harry can terrorize the rest of us with the sugar highs you undoubtedly both will get.” His smile shone through his voice, as he pressed his face to the others neck, placing a soft kiss against the pale skin. He felt the other shiver softly, and wasn’t surprised when Sirius turned in his arms to pull him down into a kiss. As their lips met, he was filled with a feeling of pure euphoria, and there was a single thought running through his mind. 

'I’m going to marry this man'

His mind drifted to the ring, still hidden in his desk since he had purchased it. He had put off pulling it out countless times, wanting to make sure that the moment was absolutely perfect. He had tried to be rational, like James he knew that time was not necessarily something they had, and he should make a move while they were both still alive and fighting, but his heart still held a great deal of clout in the matter, and he couldn’t fight against the idea of proposing on the anniversary of when they had met. Though in moments like these, Valentine’s Day seemed impossibly far, and he had to fight himself from asking the question right then and there. Instead, he threaded a hand into the long hair, the other pulling him as close as the two could get, losing himself in the overwhelming rush of love that he felt for the man in his arms. 

He only broke the kiss when he registered the faint smell of something burning. It took him a moment to remember the food cooking on the stove, and he dove around Sirius to save the slightly crispy omelette, laughing at the confusion on Sirius’ face at the sudden end to the kiss. The rest of the morning is spent in the same fashion, soft conversation and gentle kisses shared over their breakfast, the moment of peace and happiness lasting longer than one could hope for in this time of war. It would only end when, realizing the time, they rushed to get everything ready to go to the Potters, unwilling to face Lily’s wrath if they showed up late to Harry’s first real Halloween.

Even though they couldn’t go trick or treating, or do anything outside the house, simply being able to spend time with the people that he loved the most left Remus nearly glowing with his joy, and the day was filled with laughter. Harry was in a dragon costume, that spit out fake flames when the tail was pulled, and he delighted in chasing his uncles around the halls, only stopping when he realized they had brought candy as well as themselves. Remus couldn’t remember a happier time, the only sad spot being that Peter couldn’t make it, citing Order business, but even then the joy was nearly tangible. His smile was bright as they left in the early evening, leaving the young family to have time to themselves, wishing them a happy Halloween as they left hand in hand. After getting home, the evening was quiet, and Remus fell asleep in the arms of the man he loved, feeling that if only for an instant, all was right in his world. 

Little did he know that he would wake up hours later, to Sirius missing from the bed and an urgent message from the Floo. He could only sit in shock as his world was torn apart, three friends dead and nephew gone to gods knew where. Though even that pain was nothing in comparison to learning of his betrayal. He ended the call, cutting off the voice of the Order member they had chosen to tell him, their face unknown as though hearing it from a stranger would soften the blow in some way. 

He doesn’t know how long he sits, staring at nothing as he tries to comprehend what just happened. He could hear the celebrations from the streets outside, but the sounds are quickly drowned out as he started to scream, an endless noise that leaves him breathless and heaving. His heart is shattering, pieces seeming to pierce every inch of him as he sobs, his lungs struggling to bring enough oxygen to his brain. He doesn’t remember much after that, either blacking out or dissociating to a similar state. He can’t think, he can’t feel anything beyond the sheer agony that rips through him when he wakes, because for a split second he forgot, and remembering broke him all over again. He dragged himself to the couch, unable to bring himself to touch the bed they had shared, and as he crumpled into the cushions, for a long time he knew only pain.

\---

He knew what followed then, the months of utter agony that seemed to rip him apart more and more as time went on. Seeing Sirius be thrown in Azkaban, he didn’t question the lack of a trial, his pain overcoming his sense and only wanting the other man to suffer. He mourned, mourned for Lily, and James, and Peter who was just trying to help, and poor Harry who had gone somewhere he couldn’t follow. He knew Dumbledore had something to do with it, but he couldn’t focus on it beyond his grief, and once he was able to it was far too late. He had disappeared into Muggle London, unable to face the joy of the wizarding world when he was so broken. He did random jobs, jumping from place to place, trying to come to terms with what had happened but falling short every time, until finally he just shoved it down as far as it would go. Now though, he knows that he can’t do that anymore, that his mind had had enough of his repressing and drinking. 

He picks up the ring, which in another life might now be resting on his partner’s hand. He moves to the small desk in the corner of the room, unlocking the drawer and pulling out it’s contents. His eyes drift across the pictures, taking in James’ smile and Lily’s eyes, Peter’s quick grin that never seemed to last long enough. He looks at baby Harry, so like his parents that it hurts. Finally he looks at Sirius, who’s eyes held no hint of the betrayal he was about to commit, and he knew that despite everything that had happened, even though he hated the man for what he did, he still loved him too. It sickens him, but he doesn’t think he knows how not to love the man, the one he thought he had known for so long. 

He brushes a hand against his chest, over the single tattoo that marked his skin. He couldn’t bring himself to destroy it, though he had done his best to destroy everything else. He decided to keep it as a reminder instead, and as he brushes his fingers over the constellation etched into his skin, he ducks his head and mourns, finally letting himself feel the grief that he had pushed aside so many times. He lets himself remember the bad moments, but mostly he remembers the good ones. The laughter and hugs, the jokes and pranks of Hogwarts and the desperate choices made by people who were too young to be fighting a war. He remembers soft touches, passionate kisses and how with every Valentine’s day they had laughed at the cliche of having their anniversary on such a day even as they pulled each other closer. The memories flood his being, taking over everything that he is and he simply feels. He breaks all over again, but this time he knows that he would survive it. He was the last Marauder, the last one who wasn’t a fucking traitor anyway, and he would put himself back together. 

But for the moment, he lets himself break, and lets himself remember the life that had been taken from him. He had ignored it long enough. He curls into himself, and for a time all is quiet in the small apartment, as he finally lets himself feel his pain so he could begin to heal.

\---

While the last Marauder finally lets himself mourn, the sea crashes against the craggy rocks of Azkaban, spilling freezing water through the slits that serve as windows. The inmates laugh and scream as the Dementors roam the halls, fear and insanity fueling their every move. A haunting howl echoes through the halls, filled with anguish and despair, as the man called traitor also mourns, even as plans of vengeance fill his head. One day his time would come, and then he would finish what he had started. 

For now though, he lies in his cell, his Animagus form keeping the soul suckers at bay, and he cries his grief to any who might hear it. He can only hope that Harry is okay, that Remus is alright. He knows the man thinks he is the traitor, but he tries not to think about the hatred that would burn in his love’s soft brown eyes. He tries not to think of a small box, hidden in the kitchen behind the tea that Remus hated, waiting for the right time. He tries not to think of the scratches on his cell wall, that tell him their anniversary was today. He tries not to think much of anything at all besides the future, and even when it doesn’t work he tries again.

All he can do now is try.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure why I decided that I wanted to feel pain, but I kept thinking about Remus being left, in his eyes the last of his friends essentially, on the first holidays following their deaths/betrayal and as Valentine's was the closest one too us it seemed fitting. I'm so sorry


End file.
